


Transcript: The Dating Game

by nochick_fics



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 13:45:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6857449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nochick_fics/pseuds/nochick_fics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Excerpt from the transcript of an unaired episode of The Dating Game that the networks never wanted you to see.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Transcript: The Dating Game

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Egosumlux](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Egosumlux/gifts).



> Originally posted to LiveJournal on 4/27/08.

**The following is a brief excerpt from the transcript of the most controversial episode of _The Dating Game_ ever recorded. Reader discretion is advised.**

  
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

**  
HOST:** Hello and welcome back to _The Dating Game_! Before we begin, let’s meet our bachelors!

Bachelor number one enjoys alchemy and traveling. Bachelor number two is said to heat things up with the snap of his fingers--oooooh. And bachelor number three is smokin’! … Oh, wait, I’m sorry, I read the card wrong. He’s smoking… as in literally… Um… all right then. 

Now let’s meet today’s bachelorette. Please welcome Riza to the stage! Hello, Riza.

**RIZA:** Hello.

**HOST:** The audience just learned a few things about each of our bachelors. Riza, why don’t you tell us something about yourself? What do you enjoy?

**RIZA:** Handguns.

**HOST:** (nervous laughter) … All right! Now, I’m sure you know how the game works. On the other side of the stage there, behind that wall, are three bachelors who are ready and waiting to be selected by you. Why don’t you have a seat and get to know them?

**RIZA:** Okay.  Bachelor number one. What flavor of ice cream best describes you?

**BACHELOR 1:** That’s disgusting! There's milk in it, blech.

**RIZA:** … Ohh-kay. Bachelor number two?

**BACHELOR 2:** Riza. May I call you Riza? May I just _call_ you? 

**RIZA:** (grins) Oh. Well, if you insist...

**BACHELOR 1:** God, that’s so cheesy.

**BACHELOR 2:** Excuse me?

**BACHELOR 1:** You heard me. I can’t believe chicks buy into that shit.

**HOST:** Uh, gentlemen, let’s remember we’re on the air.

**RIZA:** Bachelor number three?

**BACHELOR 3:** Mint chocolate chip. Makes my cigarettes taste like menthol.

**RIZA:**  Yeeeeah. Moving on. Bachelor number two, this question is for you. What animal would you say best describes you?

**BACHELOR 2:** Well, that’s an easy one, Riza. I would have to say a lion.

**RIZA:**  Ahh.  King of the jungle, huh?

**BACHELOR 1:** Good _God._  

**BACHELOR 2:** Well, it beats a shrimp any day.

**BACHELOR 1:** You old bastard! I’ll kick your ass!

**HOST:** Gentlemen! If you would please settle down! Please continue, Riza.

**RIZA:** Bachelor number three?

**BACHELOR 3:** Um… what animal would you _like_ me to be? 

**RIZA:**  For goodness sake… Bachelor number one.

**BACHELOR 1:** Well, Riza, I would have to say a wolverine because pound for pound, they are one of the fiercest animals alive.  They’d certainly kick a lion’s ass, that’s for sure.

**BACHELOR 2:** Maybe if they were bigger. Shrimp.

(sound of chair falling to ground)

**BACHELOR 1:** That’s it, Old Man. I’m gonna kick your pompous ass!

**BACHELOR 2:** Why don’t you go ahead and try, Short Stack?

(sound of scuffling)

**HOST:** Gentlemen!!

**BACHELOR 1:** Asshole!

(more scuffling)

**BACHELOR 1:** Ow!! You… you… _ahhh._

**BACHELOR 3:** Whoa.

**BACHELOR 2:** I thought that might shut you up. Now what if I just grab you like this…

**BACHELOR 3:** Um... hey...

**BACHELOR 1:** (moaning) _Ahhh_ … you… fucking… cheater… G-Get... your hand... off my--

**BACHELOR 2:** Why? It’s already hard...

**BACHELOR 3:** Guys?  Third party.  Right here. 

**BACHELOR 1:** _Oh... oh... fuck yeah..._

**HOST:** _Cut!!! For God’s sake, stop rolling!!!_

**RIZA:** I’m outta here.

(Theme music plays)

**BACHELOR 3:** So… does this mean I win?

  

END

VIDEO CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC.

 


End file.
